the end of an era.

Today is my last day as a nanny. I'm sitting with max as this goes live, probably eating breakfast and keeping an eye on skylar in her swing. If I feel anything like I think I do, I'm an absolute mess. I've been a mess for two weeks. But we can rewind.

Back in May I started to write for BuzzFeed Community, and all at once, all of the career woes and worries I had been feeling since graduating two years prior were gone. This is what I want to do with my life. I want to make people laugh, I want to write about things I want to read about, and more than that, I want to work with a creative group of people who are like me and have the same passions and dreams. In July I started applying for jobs at online publications, but BuzzFeed was my target. When I finally got an interview for their editorial fellowship program in August, I was thrilled. Needless to say, after a month of waiting to hear back, I didn't get the position. Then that same day I got another interview with the DIY/Lifestyle section, and as soon as I sat down in that second interview, it felt like coming home. These were my people. They get me, they're like me, they're funny and nice and exactly who I want to be surrounded by. I got the job.

So fast forward to today, and all of the feelings. I start working for BuzzFeed tomorrow, and while I could not be more excited that I accomplished exactly what I set out to do back in July, bittersweet is such an understatement. The bitter part of this will far outweigh the sweet all day, and that's okay. I'm saying goodbye to the last two years of my life, a two years that I didn't know could be so full of change and growth and love. My best friend is a three year old boy. I spend more time with him than any other person in my life and now that's changing for both of us, and what hurts me the most is that he can't possibly understand what hopes and dreams and passions are yet. Not to the extent of leaving behind a three year old boy to pursue them, at least.

I spent yesterday going through photos of max from the day I started working for his family all the way up to this last week. He has changed so much over the last two years, and it made me so emotional that this little baby that was brought into my life at exactly the right time has become such a grown up little boy right before my eyes. And it's devastating to know that without me around he'll continue to grow and change and I won't be there for any of it. No more of his firsts will be spent with me, no more of his discoveries will be because of something I taught him, and he won't watch a classic Disney movie because I force him to, only to realize that damn, Disney movies were kind of effed up when I was a kid.

The knowledge of that and more is what makes this day one of the hardest of my life. I have become so comfortable letting myself into that house every morning to start another day with my chicken nugget. And not to mention my new little chicken wing, skylar, who only knows me as the lady that changes her diaper and feeds her and gives her a million kisses all day long. Even saying that she knows that is a stretch. We'll never make memories together like max and I have, we'll never have inside jokes, and we'll never be the kind of best friends that max and I are. Such a bummer.

It's not to say that these kids won't still be in my life, because they totally will, but it will never be the same. Someone else is going to come into their lives and love them and care for them. But I like to think that they couldn't possibly be loved by anyone else more than they are by me #denial.

So a new chapter of my life is starting, and it's surely the end of an era. A diaper, drool, macaroni & cheese, playground, bubble filled era that has made me so happy. I am extremely fortunate to have had these last two years be a reality, and I know that the fact that I'm even able to move on from it and leave my babes behind means that I'm truly setting out to do a job that is going to make me happy. So here's to that, my chickens, and pursuing a career in a field that relates in absolutely no way to the degree you are thousands of dollars in debt because of.